esta86’s blog

What do you do when you get a crush on someone?
Submitted by Desi.

Smile when I think about them. Annoy my friends by talking about them all the time. Think up reasons to spend even just a few minutes talking to them. Sigh wistfully a lot. The usual "I'm smitten" stuff.

Ok, so the phrase was coined by Tina (I think?) from the L Word.. or at least it entered pop culture that way.

So what is it, you ask? Basically it's when you become so like your gf that you might as well be her sister. You start to lose who you are to be an 'us'. I used to think it was a bit of a joke but over the last few days I've come to realise it might be an actual phenomenon. I wouldn't dream of casting aspersions on my exs' current relationships and how they're slowly losing themselves in search of a 'couple' thing. My observations have been more superficial and to a certain degree more observant of their tastes rather than of their changes since entering into relationships.

Am I making sense? Undoubtedly no.

In the wonderful world of facebook, my news feed tells me that my ex has uploaded some new pics of her and her gf. I click out of curiousity. I see two women, both quite attractive, smiling at me. Then I can see that this new girl has a funky hair style and a few piercings. As I look at the faces I can see they have the same style in eye makeup, pretty much the same hair style (parted on different sides and slightly different lengths). This is weird, I think to myself. I look closer and see that they have the same chin and the same nose and are both giving me the same kind of smile. I wonder..

I quickly click to my other ex and bring up photos of her and her gf. Hmmm.. same smile. Same cap, same type t-shirts, same (exactly) sunnies. Hmmm, I think. Same shorts even!

I don't so much have a point about it all as more questions. Are we attracted to people who look and dress like us? Are we attracted to our own 'type' who inherently will dress and look a bit like us? Am I noticing it more because they're two girls -  and therefore they're slightly more likely to have the same style hair/clothes than a guy and a girl? We all express our personality in our appearance but do we find those who express themselves the same way more attractive than most?

I'm certainly not like my exs. Does that mean something?

Questions, questions, questions.. and no answers. I just don't know.

P.S. If you're reading this on my facebook, don't panic. Facebook has recently increased the usefulness of its privacy settings so I'm not going to get in trouble for this. (I hope!) And you're one a select few who can read my blog. :)

I'm riding along, minding my own business. A bunch of young guys in a WRX pull along side, they take a good look (a girl on a loud bike - shock horror!)..

The light up ahead changes and we pull up at the line. They give me a look and inch forward. I'm wearing a tinted visor so they can't see my face but I gently rev to let them know that it's on now. Lights turn green. We jump together but my bike has better pickup and I nail them. I'm up through the gears before they make it across the intersection. I give a quick look over my should and just shake my head and just trundle along on my own. They knew they were nailed and they knew that I knew they were nailed.

Next set of traffic lights turn red and I pull up along side a pink beetle with a woman with frizzy blonde hair driving it. Plastered all along the side of the car was ads for women's hygiene products. I didn't take much notice, looked casually to my right towards some people waiting to cross the street. Looked back at the lights just as they turned green and blondey *owned* me off the lights. Not only could I not regain the ground I'd lost on the jump but I had to concede the lane as well, as mine merged with hers.

I had to smile.. it just goes to show - just when you're not watching, feminine hygiene will get you!

I should have known.. I really should have seen it coming. I nearly died and I just didn't see it coming..

I decided to go riding with my friend, Ben, last night. He rode around around to my place and off we went. Now, when you get to the end of my street you have to join the main road, which is 2 lanes wide with a set of traffic lights just up the road. Most people pull straight into the far lane when they come out of my street and that's what Ben did. He pulled up at the set of traffic lights behind a car.  I had a rush of blood, pulled into the inside lane and floored it passed the car when the lights turned green. The lane merged into one and then back out into two, the car turned off and Ben passed me again.

When you pass the last set of traffic lights heading for the highway, it merges into 1 lane and then into a slip lane onto the highway. Now, most people get a bit mousey about slip lanes, especially this one but on the bike I find the corner isn't too hard and you can usually end up doing 100kph by the time you hit the merge bit.

So Ben was in front of me, getting all mousey about the corner. I had my second rush of blood and overtook him around the outside, in the same lane.. we were less than a metre apart laid right over into the corner.

Now comes the horrible event that nearly killed me. We rode around for a while until we ended up on the blockey route. I led out and we did one lap really well and all was good, there wasn't much traffic as all the blockiers were parked in one of the carparks. Now, my exhaust is really loud.. and we're not talking "loud" as in some tinny little 250cc crotch rocket loud.. we're talking loud as in drowns out 600cc bikes, etc.. so as we neared the carpark for the second time, everyone's head turned my way.

The scene - the streets were empty. It was midnight. 2 lone bikers riding the streets. Half a dozen cars, parked in a darkened carpark. Young bogan revheads with their "shazzas", scattered over, around and in the cars. We approach. The look crosses their faces "who are these people and what are they doing on our turf?"..

You could tell straight away that it was the kind of look that it would be ON with little or no provocation. They'd be in their cars in seconds and after us.

So what did I do? I had a rush of blood. I gave them a really good long look, as if to say "here I am.." .. then I reefed in the clutch and revved the crap out of my baby girl before taking off. Suddenly, I realised I'd just provoked them. I didn't see them running for their cars. I don't actually know if they even moved but I was certainly freaked out. We rounded the corner and pulled up at the next set of lights.. I yelled over my exhaust at Ben that we'd better go home before we get killed. I don't think he realised how grave the situation was.

We made it home safe and sound. Despite some scares on my part, such as the lights that wouldn't turn green for me so I just sat there, waiting for the bogans to round the corner and line me up. And, also the car that caught me on the highway really fast. Turned out it was just some young girl.. PHEW!

I learned my lesson, I think.. I think.. maybe.. we'll see..

Yep, it's time I got back into this..

I've let life get the better of me recently and while it's good to get out there and experience things, sometimes you just need to sit back and reflect on things.. I always did that best when I was blogging.. so here I come again..

In the immortal words of Granny - I ain't dead!

I can't remember if I've posted about a motorcycle here before but I really want one. I've wanted one for a very long time (like since my brother parked his shiny Virago in our driveway when I was about 13) and haven't ever really pursued it. Thanks to a couple of encouraging friends I am now well on my way to getting one. I'm doing my pre-learners course this weekend with one of said 'encouraging friends'. I'm trying not to think about it because I'll get over-excited and panic as I usually do so instead my thoughts are turning to bike shopping.

I have millions of options. I can buy new or second hand.

Second hand is the recommended because you can throw it around without having to worry too much about it being so shiny and new. It also costs you less.

New, however, is a good option because you have a warranty. Plus, if I keep it for 2 years I can resell just about anything for around about $2,000 less than I bought it for. That's not a bad investment really. I would have to wait longer as I'd need to save more $$.

I can buy a naked or faired bike. Naked bikes look like this:

VTR250

Faired bikes are the ones with plastic bits, for want of a better description, and they look like this:

CBR250

Fairings are expensive to replace and will break if you drop the bike, which I already did on the 'intro' course and so am likely to do again. Naked bikes are cheaper to insure but fairings look nice and provide a more "sports" bike look, rather than the naked bike look.

I could buy the best I could with the cash I have and hope for a good resale or I could just buy something really old and hope it doesn't die before I'm ready to upgrade. I have hesitations buying something mechanical that is almost as old as I am but that doesn't mean it won't work properly for years to come (there's no hope for me working properly for years to come though).

So I see these as my choices:

Kawasaki ZZR250 - Very nice looking, sturdy, good reviews, reliable, common enough to get good parts for. Faired. $8000+ new, $3000-$5000 for any form of post 2000 model.
Kawasaki GPX250 - Frumpy sister of the ZZR250, not as good looking, reliable, decent reviews, common. Also faired. $7000+ new, $3000-$4000 for any form of post 2000 model.
Honda CBR250 - Very nice bike, those who have one rave about them, reliable, common. Faired. Can't buy new (can only import them) outrageously expensive for what they are. $3000-$5000+ for a post 1990 model.
Honda VTR250 - Good reviews, tidy looking, naked. $8000+ for new, $6000-$7000 for anything post 2000.
Honda CBF250 - Frumpy sister of the VTR250, not so good looking, tidy with good reviews. $6000+ for new and I haven't seen enough around to gauge their resale price.
Honda CB250 - Frumpy sister of the frumpy sister of the VTR250. I don't think they make them anymore. Seem to reliable but appear very 'blah'. Can find cheap ones around.
Hyosung GT250 - New bikes on the block, mixed reviews. Come in faired and naked versions. $6000 for new, haven't seen many second hand as they're really new here.
Yamaha FZR250 - As outrageously overpriced as the CBR250. They're not being made anymore so can only get second hand and you would be looking at almost the same price as a new CBF250.

I can get bigger bikes, thanks to a new power-to-weight ratio system being brought in here but the majority of the bikes on the new 'allowed' list seem to be dirt bikes or cruisers. Neither of which I want.

There is the Hyosung GT650RL, which is a faired sports bike. It's got mixed reviews like it's smaller GT250 brother but I can 'tweak' it when I'm off my "small bike" license restrictions and suddenly I have a fully fledged grown up bike. It's $7000-$8000 new and I haven't seen any second hand ones but I won't need to think about upgrading in a couple of years.

So many choices.. my head hurts now. I think I just need to take a step back and not worry about it. Something will come up. Hopefully it'll be a cheap bike that will come up but we'll just have to wait and see.

I got sent one of those dodgey surveys that have been floating around the Internet for since dinosaurs roamed the earth and man wore loin clothes for more than just the entertainment of straight girls and gay men everywhere. One of the questions I'd never seen in the millions of versions. It was "What did you want to be when you were a kid?".. I always wanted to be a super hero. Not any particular one but I always wanted super powers and to save people.. ahhh.. the good old days when I was young and idealistic rather than bitter and indifferent. Now I'd probably sit back and laugh at the damsel in distress.. especially if she was certain guys and girls from my past

Your results:

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

You are Spider-Man

It's been so long since I last posted that Vox has gone and changed heaps of stuff on me. How shameful! My NYs resolution is well and truly out the window now.

So, what's happened? Tess has moved back to the mainland. I was sad. Especially after my very deep and meaningful post about her being such a wonderful friend, I felt rather stupid and abandoned. But.. it's her choice and I guess living in Tassie just wasn't right for her at this time in her life and I wish her all the best.

I am, however, still stuck in the bloody ceramics class that I enrolled in to hang out with her. I managed to get the Uni to cover my HECS for the unit so I couldn't really back out.. now I have to do assignments again. *sigh*

Work is good. We now have 2 new bosses.. it's strange and I'm biting my tongue and behaving myself a lot as I'm not sure if they'll get my sense of humour.

I did an AAMI driving course over the weekend. That was heaps of fun, although I spent most of the course killing cones and feeling like I'd failed. It didn't really dawn on me until later that the whole point was that I'd failed to stop in time or failed to swerve in time. No matter how good you are if you don't leave yourself time and space then you just won't make it. The instructors were nice, as I plowed through the back of a cone 'truck' before slamming to a halt the instructor sitting beside me just smiled while the other instructor (who had to pick up all the cones) came up to my window and with a huge grin said "You're deep in truck territory there, young lady".. what a cushy job! Scaring the shit out of a bunch of kids..

I went to see Disturbia yesterday. That was good. It was a tidy flick.. had some jumpy bits but not what you'd call an epic thriller. We came to the conclusion that Carrie-Ann Moss was just WAY too cool to play the victim in anything. She has the whole "Trinity" walk thing still going and is still very hot, even if she is wearing wide-leg palazzo pants designed to make her look rather wide, knitted cardigans and towering over the hero by a good 3 inches (at least).

Well, I suppose I'd better get back to work.

Must.. Post.. More..

I had a really interesting day today. I want to tell you about Tess.

I did summer school with Tess and I thought we really clicked. She was so easy to talk to and ready to laugh and just as lost as I was half the time. She was the one who gave up trying to work out my name and just called me "Sweety" or "Sweetheart". We talked about all sorts of things and just hung out 'cos we could. She lives a long way out of town in Drop Bear country, was staying at the backpackers in town during summer school and said she wouldn't be coming in to town very often after summer school which is fair enough. We exchanged contact details at the end of summer school and by the second day after I'd finished I already missed her.

I sent her a couple of text messages knowing she wouldn't get them until she came into town as her town doesn't have mobile phone reception (I know.. that's AWFUL).. but I got nothing in return. She had my email and my phone number and there was nothing. I knew she'd have to come into town a few times before semester 1 started and therefore would eventually get my messages. I began consider if it was a fleeting friendship, you know the sort that are great for a little while but as soon the participants are separated it's gone, completely. I was a little upset, as I said I thought we really clicked and when we said goodbye she'd certainly given me the impression she would stay in touch. I convinced myself that she was one of those people fleeting people. It's a small university but it wouldn't be hard to avoid me as we move in different circles really. Hell, we're on different campuses. I even met up with some of the other girls from summer school, one of which Tess really dislikes, and got on with them absolutely fine (especially the Disliked one). This resolved it for me, Tess and I weren't going to hang out anymore.

Today, I was working at the library and was checking out books. Suddenly, there was a long line of people, which is how it usually happens.. nothing for ages then a flood of people. I'm busy smiling at the person infront me and checking out books when I look down the line and there's a woman standing at the end of the line with a huge grin on her face. It was Tess! She waves at me and as I wave back some guy steps in our line of sight and looks like he thinks I'm waving at him (he wasn't cute - bad timing!).. I work my way through the line (technically, I was just IT support today but I found that because it was quiet the library staff would bugger off to do other work and leave me alone at the front desk so I ended up doing loads more work than I should have but anyway).. by the time I get to her she looks like she's about to burst with happiness.

It turns out her phone hasn't made into a mobile phone reception area as it died and she's only just got a new one. She said she had my phone number but it was some place "safe" which is code for she put it somewhere and can't remember. She told me that she rang the service desk several times and asked to speak me but was told I didn't work there (I think she was actually calling the IT service desk and not the library service desk - very different set of people).. and that it was by accident that she came in today but was so happy to see me. She's trying to convince me to do a ceramics unit with her which I could pick up as it's only week 2 in semester and it's on Thursdays, which is one of my free days. We arranged a vague lunch date every week but that's yet to be finalised as she doesn't know what days she's coming in to the big smoke.

I don't think she's lying to me.. and I no longer think she's one of these fleeting friends who are friends while it's convenient for them.

I just thought the whole situation was rather funny and yet, strangely sad. It was funny how I managed to talk myself in a complete circle about our friendship in the space of 2 months and yet, it was sad that I would rob myself of a friend. Sad that on some level I'm perhaps perpetuating the whole "why would anyone like you?" lie

In other news, I received an email today from one of my old class mates. He thinks we're friends. I was in 3rd year project with this man and I nearly killed him several times over. He was in almost all my other classes, including graphics. He is fond of telling me when he gets high distinctions and distinctions and rubbing my face in it. Although, when you look at it my lovely Dylan and one of our other friends have got consistently higher marks than him. The email is as follows.

Hey,

I was justing thinking about Graphics and Animation
because I was talking to one of the blokes the other
night about his when he did it.

Anyway - I rembered you'd failed it (yes, I'd
forgotten) and was just wondering what you've picked
up in it's place?

Or did you graduate anyway? To be honest I cant
remember :)

Anyway - just thought I'd check and see what you're
doing this year.

Catch ya around sometime.

As if telling me that he'd forgotten I'd failed graphics made it alright to bring it up for the umteenth time. I know that he went around on graduation day telling people I'd failed because I got an text message from one of our classmates, who was graduating that day (and who is also a self-confessed cheater) commiserating with me. That was a rather bitter pill to swallow.